Life is Full of Forgiveness Opportunities

A few thoughts I have had this Easter week.

When Christ was born the angel brought "tidings of great joy".  The good news was that Christ had finally come to redeem his people.  His atonement would make it possible for us to return to our Heavenly father.  Many references to joy in the scriptures actually refers to the atonement.  So not only is Christmas time a time for joy, but Easter makes that joy a reality. 

On another note.  John's sister Reina called him last week in tears and said that her son Weston broke three ribs on her rocking chair. Now the only way that could have happened was that the chair wasn't being treated the way an heirloom rocking chair should be treated.  He was a little cranky because she asked him if he could fix it and the only way to fix it would be to cut off the top, make new ribs, put it back together and refinish it. Hours of work. (And she denied her boys did anything wrong.) 

John called Hal Taylor, the designer of the rocking chair and asked for advice on how to fix the chair.  He sent some updates on the plans with this postscript: "Remember, life is full of forgiveness opportunities." 

I asked myself last week "how do I forgive someone, if the person I need to forgive doesn't know they need forgiving?"  Thomas asked me "how often do I have to forgive the same person for the same thing?"  Our opportunities to forgive abound. Christ said we should forgive seventy times seven.  It will probably take me at least that many times before I get it right.

I'm No Pahoran

I love the story from the Book of Mormon when Moroni and Pahoran send letters back and forth to each other asking for help in the war against the king-men.  Moroni can't understand why Pahoran doesn't send help, strongly accuses Pahoran of negligence and threatens to overthrow him if he doesn't send aid.  meanwhile Pahoran is fighting for his kingdom and needs help as well.  Pahoran answers Moroni's angry letter with forgiveness and love.

And now, in your epistle you have ^acensured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart. I, Pahoran, do not ^bseek for power, save only to retain my judgment-seat that I may preserve the rights and the liberty of my people. My soul standeth fast in that liberty in the which God hath made us ^cfree (Alma 61:9).

In the all-consuming sale of mom and dad's house there have been a lot of things that have needed to be done.  We thought we had the house sold once, but it fell through.  A second buyer made an offer, and an addendum was made with a list of repairs.  To make a long story short, John and I offered advice that wasn't needed or wanted and hurt feelings ensued. On both sides.  I wish I had been able to respond with Pahoran's wisdom:  "I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart."  Instead I got angry, cried, and felt sorry for myself all weekend.  It was a miserable weekend.  The only redeeming thing I can say is I did not say out loud the hurtful things that I was thinking.

We (my siblings and I) have been doing all we can to help mom and dad move.  At one time or another, we probably have all felt that we were doing more than our share.  It has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I understand now why families can be torn apart by hurt feelings.  It is easier to give in to imagined or real slights than to not get angry. I am trying to put my anger aside and admire the "greatness of heart" of my family members and acknowledge all they have done to help our parents.  

Lessons Learned

The last two weeks have been spent packing up mom and dad's house.  They have lived in that house almost half of their lives.  It has been a very bittersweet time for me.  I got to have Jayne, Alison and her 5 month old son Russell, and Leslie and her 6 month old son Owen came and stayed with us for a week to help pack. Alison and Leslie are wonderful moms and it was so fun to have them in our home.  Plus, I got a little Grandma Jeanne time with their boys.  Mom and dad  are moving into Brett and Kerri's basement and will be downsizing by two thirds.  It is no easy thing to box up 40 years in a couple of weeks.  During this process I think I have learned several thing:

1. Rotate your food storage.

We brought up wheat from 1966 in cans that were covered in petrified mouse poop.  Admittedly, wheat lasts a long time and was probably still good, but Kerri and I can get away from the "eew" factor.  On the more practical side, 12 Costco sized jars of peanut butter, 7 year old flour, 8 year old canned goods, and ten year old jam really should have been rotated (or given to the food bank) before it became unusable.  It's a fine line between food insurance and wastefulness. 

2.  It's easier to go through your mom's things when she is still alive.

As Jayne and I went through mom's treasures, we would ask Mom what things were and if she was willing to part with them.  At first it was really hard for mom to think about parting with things, but after a while she got much better.  I think she liked the idea of the grand children treasuring them.  I took pictures of the things and gave a little history of the item, ie, this was a wedding present, grandma liked this because. . ., I remember using this growing up.  I then emailed the pictures and stories out to the grand kids and asked them what things they would like.  The response was very touching.  The grandchildren loved the stories behind the treasures and treasured them because they knew grandma did.

Before Jayne and Stacey left we, all 7 children, spouses and grandchildren that still live nearby, got together  and divided up the treasures.  It was a night of joy and laughter as everyone tried so hard to be fair.  We were not mourning the loss of a loved one but celebrating their life. We didn't have to do this after a funeral.  I have talked to many of my friends who have had to go through their parent's things after they died.  Inevitably it is a hard sad thing to do.  They don't know why their parent kept things.  We wouldn't have know that the Duncan relish tray was a wedding present and is fairly collectible. It would have gone straight to the DI pile.

3.  If I don't use something during the year, I am not keeping it.

As Mom Lingard puts it "They are only material things."  I love pretty things and want to have them in my home, but if I can't or don't use them, why not let someone else use them.  I would have loved some of my mother's treasure when I was in my 20s and 30s and and we couldn't afford a lot of nice things. Of course there are sentimental thing that I will probably keep. (Famous last words; my kids will probably think I have a lot of "unnecessary pretty items" when they have to go through my things.)

4.  Plan for the future.

John is 57, I am almost 55, in ten years we will need to decide if we are still able to keep up our beautiful home.  If not I hope we will choose to downsize and leave our home. If mom and dad had done this 10 years ago they would have been able to move when they wanted to not because they had to.  Dad and Mom Lingard moved out of their Riverton home into a condo while they were still in their 60s.  I thought they were crazy to move into such a small place while they were still young, but now I admire them. Looking back, I think Dad and Mom were planning ahead, they knew his heart wasn't strong enough for a big place. Hopefully, this is a lesson we can learn from them.