You Don't Have to Ask Me Everything

Conference is over, but one of the issues of the past few conferences is not. A group of women in the church want to be ordained to the priesthood. They want equality with every church member. I do not agree with or support this group but there are some some areas the church can improve with regard to women roles in the church.

Most women I have talked to in the church would tell you that they have been marginalized to some extent by men or priesthood bearers in the church. I know I have, and so have my mother and my daughter. Starting with the inequality of funds and activities for the young men compared to the young women to the exclusion of women in ward meetings where the needs and callings of the sisters are discussed. Many years ago  I was hurt and disturbed when I was told that I had to have a member of the bishopric attend my Relief Society presidency meetings.  To do what? Didn't they trust me to have a meeting without a priesthood holder's input and censoring? In all fairness, he didn't want to be there anymore than I wanted him there. It didn't last long because it was so impractical, and maybe because he might have felt that I didn't welcome him with open arms.

Many of the limitations placed by women in the church are due to culture norms going back to biblical times. When women truly were the weaker sex. At least physically. They had to be protected because of their value in bearing and rearing children. A patriarchal culture was needed to survive and thrive. The church still has that patriarchal mentality. It worked as long as the rest of the world had the same mentality. But you can't hide years of feminism and equal rights from the sisters of the church. It is out there. Our sisters have discovered we are as smart, able and spiritual as our priesthood brethren. 

I love and support the priesthood holders in my family. I support and sustain the prophet and my wonderful bishop. John has never made me feel less able because he holds the priesthood and I don't.  The church cites a statistic that only .02 percent of LDS women support the Ordain Women Movement. If they really want to know how women feel, I think they are asking the wrong question. The question should be: " Has a priesthood leader ever made you, as a woman, feel less equal or important because he holds the priesthood and you don't, especially in terms of church callings and ward administration?"  Many women would answer yes. 

I feel that the brethren would honestly be surprised that so many women feel like they are on the outside looking in, in many church affairs. They don't mean to hurt and exclude us but we are a patriarchal church run by Elders who are more than a half a century older than many of the women seeking change. I don't know if the brethren can comprehend how marginalized women might feel at the little snubs and policies that are made in the sisters' behalf, but without the sister's knowledge or consent.

The church, the gospel and especially Jesus Christ are far too important to me to make this issue a deal breaker as far as my membership and activity in the church are concerned. I will continue to serve where ever I am asked. And I will continue to not be intimidated because I am a woman. Just this morning I was at a Relief Society actvity planning meeting and we had to change the date of an activity.  We needed to change the date back to a date that had already been rejected by the bishop because of building scheduling conflicts. No one at the meeting wanted to call the bishop and ask if we could do the activity at some one's house instead of the church. They looked at me and said "Jeanne you do it, you are not afraid to ask, you are always our diplomatic one."  So I called and our dear bishop said, "You don't have to ask me about everything, of course you can change the date," and then he proceeded to check his calendar to make sure there were no other ward or stake conflicts we would have to deal with.  

That is the response every sister needs.  "You don't have to ask me about everything." You are smart, you are able and I trust you.  If every priesthood holder had that attitude, maybe hearts would be softened and hurt feelings healed.

On the Road Again

Spring  travels were good to us this year: a spring sealing in the beautiful new Gilbert temple, a week in Mexico, and a few days in Los Vegas. All with sunny beautiful weather, greatly appreciated by our winter weary souls.

John and I planned on driving down to Mesa for Carlos and LaDawn's oldest son Grant's wedding. As long as we were going John volunteered to smoke pork butts for the reception. Then he decided it wouldn't take much more effort to pull a trailer full of Martha's furniture and house wares that Carlos inherited for the newly wed's to use. I also pieced and the aunts and cousins tied the traditional "aunts quilt" for Grant and Kayleen. It was a wonderful family weekend.

Since we were already in Arizona I kind of invited my self to Jayne and Dave's beach house in Rocky Point Mexico. Brett and Kerri and their family and Jayne and Dave were going to be there and I couldn't resist. Thanks Kerri and Jayne. Then John and Annie decided that they would take a few extra days off and spend the weekend as an early 60th birthday present. (I can't believe he is 60. . .yikes!)  

One of John's goals for the trip was to take the stand up paddle board past the sand bar into the ocean. After he did it he said he couldn't understand the appeal, he would rather sit down and paddle his kayak.  But Annie loved paddle boarding. I even tried it, but was mocked by the spring breakers for going so slow. 

After John and Annie left I just relaxed and enjoyed the company and beach. Colby and Jane Ann and their 12 week old son Weston were the highlight of the trip. Everyone loved Weston. He smiled, cooed and talked his way into our hearts. It was also Ezra's 9th birthday so I sent him a note from the beach. 

I got back late Monday afternoon. Annie and Thomas had planned a birthday dinner for John at her house. Lasagna, bread, salad, and our new favorite, French Cholate Silk Pie. 

Tuesday morning we packed up again and headed for some Allstate meetings. Jayne told me if I ever had the chance to go to Los Vegas to just enjoy it for what it offered me and not worry about all the bad stuff. So I did. We stayed at the Venician with great rooms. 3 flat screen tvs, (which we didn't turn on), king size bed and a step down living room with a view of a golf course and east mountains. 

We wondered around the canals and shoppes of the Venician, visited the conservatory full of beautiful flowers at the Belligio, saw transformers and a wax Bruce Willis on the street, had a yummy meatball sub at Buddy Vs (of Cake Boss fame) too bad the bakery won't open until next month, had not one but two of yummiest chocolate almond crossiant from the Bucheron bakery and best of all saw Cirque dul Soilel's Mystere show. Jayne was right, if you look for the good in Los Vegas you can have a great time.

It's Just a Material Thing

John and I went to Martha's condo with his siblings to divide up her things.  There wasn't anything left of great worth, just sentimental "mementos" as Craig called them. Martha didn't place a lot of value on material things. I heard her say many times "It's just a material thing, don't worry about it." when one of the grandchildren broke something. With nine children and 44 grandchildren she did not or could not worry about things if they got lost or broken.

The top three and the middle three as John calls his siblings. The bottom three weren't born yet. Which one is John?

There were many things she treasured that were chipped or broken and glued back together: a flow blue plate, old china from her grandmama's house, nick knacks given to her by her children through the years, even a pretty little vase that she turned so the the broken side didn't show. She had a pretty brown transfer ware gravy boat that I always loved and John asked for it. When we got it home I noticed that the bottom of the handle was broken of but it didn't stop her from enjoying and using it. When I first noticed the handle was broken I was disappointed, but then remembered Martha saying "It's just a material thing," and decided to  use and enjoy it like she did.

A few of Mom Lingard's things we inherited. They are on an old library table that had been promised to John years ago. 

Dad and Mom Lingard had already given away a lot of things to their children, especially antiques they inherited from dad's Uncle Albert and Aunt Annie, so there were not many things of value left, just things of sentimental value.We brought home her old oak recipe box filled recipe cards in her small boxy handwriting, old news paper clippings and blue printed mimeographed recipes from Relief Society. There is a mini history of Martha in that old box, that gives me a glimpse of what interested her in the kitchen. There were at least a dozen recipes for breakfast casserole, when I asked John and his sisters if their mother liked it, they just shrugged and said "meh, she must have." Obviously it wasn't a favorite of theirs. She must have been searching for a recipe her family liked better. 

I love this undated  picture of Mom and Dad. It looks like from the late 60s when mom was collecting her recipes.

We also found all of the family calendars Marianne and I had made over the years. The first one was dated 1990. I remember asking John's sibling to send me actual photographs that I glued onto to a very pixelated calendar that I printed out onto card-stock.  It was very crude by today's internet programs. But there are some great pictures of the aunts and uncles and Lingard cousins as they were growing up. It's also a great family history, 23 years of pictures, give or take a few years. It was very sad not to have to make her a calendar this year.

It was a little dis concerning  to see all of Mom's worldly possessions laid out for us to pick and chose from. I think it made us all aware of our own mortality. We asked ourselves "will our children value anything of ours when we are gone?" While they might help them remember us, they are still just material things and can not take the place of memories of things we did together, learned together and loved together.

Party Food

We, my siblings and I, celebrated mom's 80th birthday party at our house last week. We decided we would just have finger food, and as we were planning who was bring what we realized that most of what what we annually make at Christmas time originated with mom. 

                                                  Mom and Maggie at the party

Mom had this drive to learn and do all she could to make things nice for dad and us kids. Her mother didn't cook a lot, being a single mother In the 40s was probably all she could do. So mom was pretty much self taught when it came to party food.

She started with a cheese ball made from Kraft processed sharp cheddar and blue cheeses popular in the late 60s. To this day we all love that cheese ball, although it drives Matt crazy that there isn't an ounce of real cheese in it. She also found a recipe for a veggie dip with puréed cottage cheese, cream cheese and optional clams that hummas will never replace. 

Mom always made cookies at Christmas. Russian Tea Cakes, also known as Mexican Wedding Cookies  and Thumbprint cookies filled with jam were always out on Christmas Day. But our favorite was Carrot Cookies with orange frosting. Mom told me this year she got the recipe while living in Rapid City, South Dakota when dad was in the airforce. Carrot cookies were a favorite in my family as well! John and the kids love the orange frosting. (Jayne never made them for her family because she hated frosting all those cookies as a teenager. Leslie asked me for the recipe this year, saying I live those cookies, but mom didn't put them in our cookbook.)  Unfortunately I haven't convinced a couple of my daughters in law to keep the tradition going. Apparently, carrot cookie is an oxymoron as far as they are concerned.

Mom found a little red candy making booklet that started our Christmas candy making tradition. My mother in law also used the same one, so it must have been popular in Utah in the late 60s and early 70s. She learned how to make peanut brittle, doubling the peanuts because she liked more nuts than brittle, caramels, toffee and fudge that wasn't made from marshmallows. She later found a recipe for pecan brittle and a better fudge recipe that have become my favorites. When we lived in Houston she always included a tin of homemade candy in our Christmas package that made our warm, humid Christmases seem a little closer to home. I didn't even try to make candy in Houston after a couple of failures due to the humidity and a sea level altitude. 

I have always brought or sent homemade candy to my children at Christmas as well. When Matt told Ian we weren't coming this year after Christmas (because of mom's birthday) he exclaimed tearfully, "but where am I going to get my peanut brittle?" Luckily the package was in the mail. 

Licorice caramels are my contribution to our candy tradition. I got a little carried away with the black food coloring this year. Oops. But they were still enjoyed by all

 

Thanks mom for starting and then passing on these traditions. Happy birthday, it was a great party with great food.

Old Memories

We were at Martha's condo last weekend and I found a scrapbook she had made of pictures she and dad had taken of our family and pictures we had sent them. What great old memories she had saved for us.

This picture was taken while John and I were engaged in 1977. I think the dress I wore was Jayne's, it was pretty trendy for the time. I know 70's fashions are coming back in style, but we can always hope polyester, bell bottoms pants do not. John used to blow dry his hair, another 70's fashion statement and I had the Farrah Fawset hair down pat.

 

 It was nice to find this sweet picture of me with Martha holding baby Matt, taken in 1978. We both looked pretty young.

Look at those cute chubby little cheeks on Matt and Chris right after we moved to Houston for the first in time in 1981 when John worked for Conoco.

 

 

 



I think this picture was taken in the Lingard's back yard before we moved to Delaware in 1983. We always started long car trips from their house because it was an hour further south than my parents house in Layton. I love the old used station wagon we had with the Kirkham's canvas luggage carrier on top.

 

 

 On the back of this picture I wrote: "Standing in front of our new house in Houston, September, 1986". Matt was 9, Chris was 7, Annie was 4 and Thomas was almost 1.

 



 

And this great picture. was taken in the back of our first Suburban in 1987, the first of many Chevy people and gear haulers we owned.

 

 

It is hard to realize that I now have grandchildren the same age as my children were when these pictures were taken.

 

I am so grateful for for these memories this Thanksgiving week. What a blessing. 



Mouring But Not Grieving

Martha's funeral week is over. We didn't have the funeral until Friday to give those who lived out of state time to get here and not have to take too much time off work. The best part of the whole week was everyone who came back for the funeral. Carlos was here when Mom Lingard died and stayed with us the entire week rather than go home and come back for the funeral. All nine of her children and most of her 44 grandchildren and many of her 71 great grandchildren were there. Justin and Sarah's baby, Martha's 72nd great grandbaby was born the night of the funeral.

I was thrilled that Matt and Chris both made it. Erin and Megan  insisted their husbands' come even though they could not. John and I both appreciated their thoughtfulness.

We ran into Kerri at Costco after picking up Matt and Chris from the airport and she insisted on taking this picture.

The night of the viewing was like a great big family reunion. Cousins who had not seen each other for years joyfully greeted each other. Aunts and uncles felt just a little bit older when we saw our grown up nieces and nephews with their own children. Matt later said that he felt that the viewing and funeral was for Grandma's children, but it was also a celebration for the grandchildren to get together. 

I was also very touched that all my brothers and sisters and Mom came to the viewing, Jayne came up especially for the funeral and Stacey was here for Erin's new baby Fields. They are such a great family! And we are not all together that often. 

Mom wanted a pictures of her daughters all together (and dressed up.) Too bad Melanie came later.

The funeral was lovely, Marianne, Paul and Rob spoke. John dedicated the grave. Martha's Holladay ward's Relief Society did a fabulous luncheon after the funeral. We got some great pictures of the family.

I know Mom Lingard would be thrilled that her family was together. We were mourning the loss of our dear mother and grandmother, but I don't think we were grieving. She lived a long full life and was ready to join her beloved David. And we celebrated her reunion. 

One of the last things we did before Matt and Chris left was visit my dad. It was something they both wanted to do. I was horrified at how bad Dad looked, but was glad we all went.

We will have to wait for the celebration of his life. 

Martha Mary Luton Lingard: March 23, 1925 to November 7, 2013

John's mother, my dear mother-in-law, passed away last Thursday. She had been failing for a few weeks and we knew the end was close. It many ways it was a relief, but it is sad to know she is no longer with us. She was 88 years old.

The first time time she met me she wrote in her journal, "I hope she doesn't break John's heart." She knew there was something special going on before we did. Or at least I did. I have to admit I was a little overwhelmed to be dating some one who had 8 siblings and 4 or 5 ready made nieces and nephews.

Mom and Dad Lingard at our wedding

Martha's white hair, southern charm and soft spoken voice instantly endeared her to me. She told me that with six sons that she decided she would look for the good in her daughters-in-law and try not to say anything negative about them. Good advice that I have tried to emulate. A few days before she died, Rachel and I helped her get ready for bed because she was too weak to do it for herself. The last thing mom said to me as I kissed her good night was "I have always loved you like a daughter." I kissed her again and answered "I love you too. When my friends used to complain about their mothers-in-law I never had anything to say. You were always good to me. Thank you." It was the last conversation we had. 

She had many sayings that came from her southern roots. She told me "nothing that ends seems long" when I was pregnant with Matt. I said to myself  "What do you mean pregnancy doesn't seem long. I will be pregnant forever!"  She used to ask her children "If not me, who; if not now, when?" when they had chores to do. Also "many hands make like work" and, with a southern drawl, "work from you cane until you canen't". Translated to "work as soon as you can see the sun until you can't."

Martha with John and me last Thanksgiving.

 Martha loved doing things for others and served every one around her. If I could do anything over again I would let her do more things for me. When ever she came to dinner or stay with us I made sure every thing was perfect and there was nothing for her to do. I felt I could do it all and would seem incompetent if I didn't. I was too proud to let her serve me. I apologized a few years ago for not being a better daughter- in-law. I told her I wished I had been more aware of her feelings. Of course she said that I was perfect, but I knew better.

with Annie

with Thomas

with Paul, Molly and baby Paul

                               

with Lily


It is a comfort and blessing to know that Martha had loved ones waiting for her on the other side. The veil was very thin the last few days before she died. I know that Dad was waiting for her with open arms. I can picture the smile on his face as she walked into his embrace. I loved you both. Thanks for being John's parents.