Life is Full of Forgiveness Opportunities

A few thoughts I have had this Easter week.

When Christ was born the angel brought "tidings of great joy".  The good news was that Christ had finally come to redeem his people.  His atonement would make it possible for us to return to our Heavenly father.  Many references to joy in the scriptures actually refers to the atonement.  So not only is Christmas time a time for joy, but Easter makes that joy a reality. 

On another note.  John's sister Reina called him last week in tears and said that her son Weston broke three ribs on her rocking chair. Now the only way that could have happened was that the chair wasn't being treated the way an heirloom rocking chair should be treated.  He was a little cranky because she asked him if he could fix it and the only way to fix it would be to cut off the top, make new ribs, put it back together and refinish it. Hours of work. (And she denied her boys did anything wrong.) 

John called Hal Taylor, the designer of the rocking chair and asked for advice on how to fix the chair.  He sent some updates on the plans with this postscript: "Remember, life is full of forgiveness opportunities." 

I asked myself last week "how do I forgive someone, if the person I need to forgive doesn't know they need forgiving?"  Thomas asked me "how often do I have to forgive the same person for the same thing?"  Our opportunities to forgive abound. Christ said we should forgive seventy times seven.  It will probably take me at least that many times before I get it right.

I'm No Pahoran

I love the story from the Book of Mormon when Moroni and Pahoran send letters back and forth to each other asking for help in the war against the king-men.  Moroni can't understand why Pahoran doesn't send help, strongly accuses Pahoran of negligence and threatens to overthrow him if he doesn't send aid.  meanwhile Pahoran is fighting for his kingdom and needs help as well.  Pahoran answers Moroni's angry letter with forgiveness and love.

And now, in your epistle you have ^acensured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart. I, Pahoran, do not ^bseek for power, save only to retain my judgment-seat that I may preserve the rights and the liberty of my people. My soul standeth fast in that liberty in the which God hath made us ^cfree (Alma 61:9).

In the all-consuming sale of mom and dad's house there have been a lot of things that have needed to be done.  We thought we had the house sold once, but it fell through.  A second buyer made an offer, and an addendum was made with a list of repairs.  To make a long story short, John and I offered advice that wasn't needed or wanted and hurt feelings ensued. On both sides.  I wish I had been able to respond with Pahoran's wisdom:  "I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart."  Instead I got angry, cried, and felt sorry for myself all weekend.  It was a miserable weekend.  The only redeeming thing I can say is I did not say out loud the hurtful things that I was thinking.

We (my siblings and I) have been doing all we can to help mom and dad move.  At one time or another, we probably have all felt that we were doing more than our share.  It has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I understand now why families can be torn apart by hurt feelings.  It is easier to give in to imagined or real slights than to not get angry. I am trying to put my anger aside and admire the "greatness of heart" of my family members and acknowledge all they have done to help our parents.  

Lessons Learned

The last two weeks have been spent packing up mom and dad's house.  They have lived in that house almost half of their lives.  It has been a very bittersweet time for me.  I got to have Jayne, Alison and her 5 month old son Russell, and Leslie and her 6 month old son Owen came and stayed with us for a week to help pack. Alison and Leslie are wonderful moms and it was so fun to have them in our home.  Plus, I got a little Grandma Jeanne time with their boys.  Mom and dad  are moving into Brett and Kerri's basement and will be downsizing by two thirds.  It is no easy thing to box up 40 years in a couple of weeks.  During this process I think I have learned several thing:

1. Rotate your food storage.

We brought up wheat from 1966 in cans that were covered in petrified mouse poop.  Admittedly, wheat lasts a long time and was probably still good, but Kerri and I can get away from the "eew" factor.  On the more practical side, 12 Costco sized jars of peanut butter, 7 year old flour, 8 year old canned goods, and ten year old jam really should have been rotated (or given to the food bank) before it became unusable.  It's a fine line between food insurance and wastefulness. 

2.  It's easier to go through your mom's things when she is still alive.

As Jayne and I went through mom's treasures, we would ask Mom what things were and if she was willing to part with them.  At first it was really hard for mom to think about parting with things, but after a while she got much better.  I think she liked the idea of the grand children treasuring them.  I took pictures of the things and gave a little history of the item, ie, this was a wedding present, grandma liked this because. . ., I remember using this growing up.  I then emailed the pictures and stories out to the grand kids and asked them what things they would like.  The response was very touching.  The grandchildren loved the stories behind the treasures and treasured them because they knew grandma did.

Before Jayne and Stacey left we, all 7 children, spouses and grandchildren that still live nearby, got together  and divided up the treasures.  It was a night of joy and laughter as everyone tried so hard to be fair.  We were not mourning the loss of a loved one but celebrating their life. We didn't have to do this after a funeral.  I have talked to many of my friends who have had to go through their parent's things after they died.  Inevitably it is a hard sad thing to do.  They don't know why their parent kept things.  We wouldn't have know that the Duncan relish tray was a wedding present and is fairly collectible. It would have gone straight to the DI pile.

3.  If I don't use something during the year, I am not keeping it.

As Mom Lingard puts it "They are only material things."  I love pretty things and want to have them in my home, but if I can't or don't use them, why not let someone else use them.  I would have loved some of my mother's treasure when I was in my 20s and 30s and and we couldn't afford a lot of nice things. Of course there are sentimental thing that I will probably keep. (Famous last words; my kids will probably think I have a lot of "unnecessary pretty items" when they have to go through my things.)

4.  Plan for the future.

John is 57, I am almost 55, in ten years we will need to decide if we are still able to keep up our beautiful home.  If not I hope we will choose to downsize and leave our home. If mom and dad had done this 10 years ago they would have been able to move when they wanted to not because they had to.  Dad and Mom Lingard moved out of their Riverton home into a condo while they were still in their 60s.  I thought they were crazy to move into such a small place while they were still young, but now I admire them. Looking back, I think Dad and Mom were planning ahead, they knew his heart wasn't strong enough for a big place. Hopefully, this is a lesson we can learn from them.

Lingard Comfort Food

John's mom turned 86 last week.  Since we are in charge of the Lingard activities this year we had all his siblings over for her birthday dinner last night.  We had Mormon Enchiladas (a favorite of Dad Lingard's) with Roger and Rachel's fresh eggs on top and Chocolate Raspberry Triffle.  The Lingards know how to enjoy Mormon Enchiladas!  They ate everything.  When I make them for the Nevilles, they seem a little tentative, just a little sauce, not may layers, some don't like corn tortillas, there is always leftovers.  Not so with the Lingards.  Plates were piled high with corn tortillas, cheese, sour cream, olives, sometimes two eggs, and overflowing with sauce.  Lingard comfort food.  When I first had them, Mom and Dad told stories how the boys would pile up 8 - 10 layers!  So I thought maybe I could do 4.  It was too much, then 3, I finally settled on two layers, that way you get the layered effect with all the condiments between two corn tortillas with sauce over all but not so much you die.  Comfort food indeed!

Martha brought a letter her Grandmother wrote Dad Lingard when he was on his mission. She told him how much they liked him and had prayed for a good companion for Martha.  Dad met Martha when his ship was being repaired in Norfolk, Virgina after it had been hit by a Kamikaze plane during WWII.  Mom said she only dated officers, but condesended to meet dad because he was highly recommended by members there.   To make a long story short, they fell in love and got engaged, but he wanted to serve a mission before they got married.  (She also served a mission on the East Coast while he was on his mission to Central America.)  After his mission he came straight to North Carolina, they got married 10 days later, drove across country to Salt Lake City and were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple a month after that (John Widstoe gave them permission to do this.)

Mom said she couldn't understand why her Grandmother wasn't thrilled she was getting married and leaving on this new adventure.  She said she only understood it when she waved goodbye to John and me and our two babies when we left from their house to drive to Texas.  She didn't know how often they would see us or if we would ever come back.  It must have been even worse for Grandmama Keaton.  Cross country travel took days, long distance phone calls were expensive and she really didn't know Dad very well.  He was taking Martha, who she had raised since she was three years old, to places unknown.  And Martha didn't look back, nor did we.  Nor have our children as they have left on their own adventures.  All we can do is wave and bid them  fond farewell and hope they return.

John's Birth Day

It was John's birthday yesterday. 57 years old. Wow, we're getting old. It was a two day affair. Saturday, he smoked turkeys, pork loin, and ribs. He had some hickory scraps from the shop, (see my Valentine's book cases, he finished the second one last week) that he wanted to try in the smoker. We had my family over for dinner Saturday night. I asked him if he wanted to invite his family instead and he said he didn't think anyone would want to come. I think he is being a little harsh on his siblings, but between the long drive (for some reason we can drive south, but the drive north is longer,) and the fact that the Lingards don't celebrate birthdays with each other, we brought another birthday dinner to his mother on Sunday instead. So of course that meant that John got two birthday desserts, Black Forest Trifle on Saturday and Cheesecake with Strawberry Sauce on Sunday.

Annie with the birthday boy!

As per tradition, Martha told us John's birth day story: Dad Lingard had a part time job delivering newspapers to the carriers who delivered them to subscribers. He was getting ready to go when his Aunt Annie and Uncle Albert (Grandfather Lingard’s sister) dropped by with visitors from Canada. Mom started to feel a few contractions at that time as well. By the time they left mom told dad he better get someone else to do the papers, she needed to get to the hospital. She said they passed the County Hospital on the way and she asked dad to stop there because she didn't think she would make it to the LDS Hospital, but dad didn't want his child born at the County Hospital, it was for indigent people. They got to the hospital where her doctor met her. He wasn't supposed to be there, his father had died earlier in the week, but he told the nurse he knew mom wouldn't take very long. She didn't. The nurse still had the hypodermic needle in her hand to put mom out when John was born. She asked the doctor what she should do with it, he replied "Don't give it to Martha, she doesn't need it!" and then told the nurse to hand the baby to Mom so they could wheel her out and show dad his new son. The nurse was shocked. At that time mothers weren't given their new born babies to hold until the anesthetic wore off. Dad stopped by Uncle Albert and Aunt Annie's on his way home to tell them the good news. Annie Annie was so surprised that the baby was already here that she dropped the gravy boat she was holding when dad told her.

Ties that Bind

Mom with her doll quilt: Court House Steps.  Made in memory of her ancestor Elizabeth Ann Cowley. 

We went with mom last night to the new exhibit at the Church History Museum:  "Pieces of Me: Quilted Expressions of Human Ties." She has a quilt on display. I am very grateful that for the ties mom and I have made as we quilt together.  Quilting has become a very important part of who I am.

Three generations of quilters at the quilt exhibit.

Annie made her first quilt this year.  We have also been working on a quilt together; redwork snowmen blocks with red and white pieced "snowflakes" (really stars) blocks surrounding them.  It has been so nice to work on a project with her. 

Spring Snow

We had the most beautiful snow storm last night.  My spirits were lifted every time I looked out the window at the white, white snow, the blue, blue sky and yellow sunrays streaming down over all.  Jayne and I took Dad to Sam's club and he so enjoyed getting out to see the white and blue world.  At this point all we can ask for is the simple things.